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Secrets To Keeping The Romance Alive In Your Relationships


By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna January 2006


Some believe that romance should just come naturally, and if it doesn’t, or if closeness starts to subside, it means that something is wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Keeping romance alive requires time, attention and the willingness to start fresh over and over, to learn how to constantly reconnect.

After the initial excitement of being in a relationship is over, many allow things to fall into a routine and begin taking one another for granted. They assume they know what their partner is feeling, that it doesn’t matter if they come late for a date, don’t look so good, or choose a night out with friends too often. It’s important to be aware of what we are doing to either keep the closeness going, or subtly push it out the door. Unless both parties feel valued by one another, the romance will die down.

Remember How He/She Seemed To You When You First Met

For starters, take a moment to ask yourself how you view your partner now? Do you view them as a hero? Are they someone you look up to, or do you mostly dwelling upon their faults? After a relationship has gone on for a while partners naturally begin to focus on the negative traits of each other. This is a sure-fire technique for creating distance and putting out any fire that might exist. Remember, when you first fell in love, you only saw the best about the person and focused on how wonderful they were. If you want the romance to sizzle, do that again.

Take some time now to write down a description of how you see your partner. Who are they to you now?

Now, write down how you saw them when you first met. Right now, consciously choose to see the best about them again. Stop focusing on their difficulties. See them as you did when you first met. Your partner will feel the effects of this, and respond in kind.


Let Your Partner Fulfill Your Dreams

There is nothing that stops us from letting our partner fulfill our dreams than expectations that have not been met. Unfulfilled expectations are the biggest cause of romance dying down. It is truly worth taking a moment to become aware of what we have been expecting of our partners and the relationship. Is disappointment lurking here? Are the expectations we’ve been holding onto realistic? Can anyone fulfill them or are they left over from childhood?

Most of the time it is our expectations, not the other person, which cause upset. In order to kindle the romance, take some time to notice (and write down) the ways in which your partner has measured up. Dwell upon what they are giving.

Are you willing to revise your expectations a little - to give up a few that cannot be met? Are you willing to create some new dreams that they are able to fulfill? Sometimes just giving up one or two expectations can make the entire difference between a relationship working or not. Sometimes just deciding that what they offer is good enough, can dissolve many walls. Can you choose to be happy and fulfilled by what you are receiving now? Then can you let them know the ways in which they are making you happy? The better your partner feels about themselves, the more the more romance will sparkle.


Recognizing Signs Of Love

Some just do not pick up the signs of love and affection their partner gives. They are simply not aware of the ways in which their particular partner is expressing their love.

Some men are naturally lovers, able to be expressive, romantic and affectionate. Others may express their love differently. They show their feelings by calling every day, being on time, doing little jobs that are needed. For many men doing things for women is a way of showing that they care. For others being there a lot, being willing to spend time with your family, to listen to problems that arise are his way of saying he loves you. It is important to listen to and understand the love language your partner speaks.


Collecting Positive Memories

Positive memories are like little treasures that we can collect and draw upon. They remind us of moments of understanding, happiness and love that have been shared. They build faith, both in ourselves, our partners and in love.

Often as relationships go forward, rather than return to our positive memories, we return to the destructive ones. This unfortunate tendency quickly causes romance to die.

In order to start collecting positive memories remember all that was good and fulfilling between you and your partner. Spend time writing down everything wonderful you shared. Then, if you care to, you can even find a seashell or other object that represents each wonderful memory. Collect these and place them in a place where you can see them easily. They will exude positive energy to you. They will help you keep the good in mind.

When you are caught in the grip of a negative memory simply return to your positive memories. By doing this over an over the strength of your positive memories will increase as will its impact upon your relationship and life.


Be Willing To Be Happy

Are you willing to be happy? Are you willing to give up grievances and allow yourself and your partner to have pleasure and fun? Pleasure and fun are a crucial part of romance. When we let go of self-importance and just play together, we are creating an environment in which romance can bloom.

In order to truly enjoy one another, appreciate your time together. Rather than thinking of what comes next, focus upon each moment and taste it to the fullest. Being fully present and experiencing the moment thoroughly is the road to the greatest joy.


Re-choose Your Partner

When all these steps are taken, you will not only be reconnected, but you will be with your partner because there is no other place you want to be. The relationship will not be one of convenience, but one of choice. The actual act of re- choosing our partners, of knowing they are the one’s we want to be with opens the door to endless romance.

Spend some time writing down and expressing the ways in which you wish to re-commit to your partner, and why. By doing this on an on- going basis, you will not only keep the love and relationship fresh, but keep yourself aware of why you are with the person. As you do this not only will the romance re-kindle, but the relationship will be solidly planted on unshakeable ground.


Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationships, in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships).

Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationships expert on, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living), Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others.  You can contact her, or visit her personal website.


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