Many times we begin to feel stuck in our
relationships, as though it’s impossible to make the
changes we want to make. Old habits reappear frequently.
Past memories block the warmth and happiness we’re
hoping for. Common knowledge tells us that it is
difficult to overcome our obstacles.
However, the truth is that there are easy, unfailing
steps we can take to healing our relationship right now.
These steps are easy, enjoyable and life giving, both
for ourselves and others. We do not have to learn
anything special techniques, probe our unconscious for
hidden complexes or suffer great pains along the way.
All that is needed is a willingness to put these simple
steps into action one by one, this very day.
These steps will open new doors for you, clear you
mind and lift your spirits. This very day upset will
fade and you will feel brand new.
Step 1: Take responsibility for whatever’s
happening. Realize that for things to be different, you
must be different.
Many try to change their relationships by finding
what’s wrong in their partner, fixing it, talking
things over endlessly or if that doesn’t work, finding
someone new. They do not realize that whatever is
happening, they are participating in it, and wherever
they go, whatever new relationship they start, they take
In order to create the relationship you want, you
must first take time to become new. Commit to spending
even 15 minutes a day, every day, in this endeavor.
Commitment is the first step. Putting time aside daily
to do this makes the commitment active in your life.
Doing this on a daily basis, builds much needed
momentum. What you focus upon increases in your life.
Carve out a few minutes each day that belong only to
During this personal time, take complete
responsibility for what is happening in the
relationship. This does not mean “blaming yourself”.
It means take a good look at what you are doing to keep
the patterns going, and what benefits you are getting
out of the situation as it is right now. Give up blaming
anyone. Just take a good hard look. When you see your
part in the situation you become empowered to make real
Step 2: How you think affects how you feel, and how
others respond to you.
Our thoughts are not really secret or silent. When we
either secretly or loudly blame, criticize or want to
change another, we create an atmosphere around us which
pushes the person away. Stop indulging in negative
thinking. Realize this is a choice you make. You have
the power to change the way you think. You can choose
positive, loving thoughts. You can stop the endless
stream of inner and outer negativity that assaults each
of us daily. Watch which thoughts you are dwelling upon.
Choose to turn them around. Replace each negative
thought with a positive one. Do this for a short, but
concentrated period throughout the day.
When you look at your partner consciously focus upon
the beauty within them. Say to yourself, “I salute the
goodness in you.” On some level they will hear you,
feel uplifted and respond. What you are really doing
here is calling forth the best in them. And in yourself
Step 3: Do What You Love Together
What we love has power in our lives. Most of us think
it’s impractical to take time out simply to do what
they love. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Doing what we love is medicine. It makes us happy,
inspires us and stimulates the imagination. As we do
what we love, we connect with that which is deepest and
most creative in ourselves.
Take time to do what you love together. Find
activities and places you both find meaningful and
uplifting. Make sure you share them. Many relationships
become stuck because the partners are spending more time
alone doing what they care about than together. Bonds
are built through action and through sharing meaningful
times. Most people wait to be happy – making it depend
upon the way their partner behaves. But, when you do
what you love, you are happy each moment, just with the
doing itself. This is a wonderful way to be together –
not dependent upon what happens in the future - just
fulfilled with each moment as it comes along.
Step 4: Give Up Anger, Day by Day
The most self-destructive habit many of us have is
our indulging in anger, grudges, resentment and revenge.
Not only does this take our own health, joy and well
being away, but it actively disrupts our ability to have
the life we want the most. Giving up anger is the number
one best thing you can do for yourself and your
relationship. There are 24 forms of anger and they
camouflage themselves in many ways. Find out how this is
working in your life, and then take the time to pulls
these weeds out of your relationship. Take Dr.
Shoshanna's Anger Diet. Go on a diet from anger. You
will be delighted at how much lighter, calmer and
happier you feel.
Step 5: Let the Past Be The Past
We often carry around so much baggage that it is
amazing we can even take another step. Many of us feel
that past events are unresolved or unfinished until we
work them out. However, it is wonderful to realize that
everything works out the way it does. At any moment we
have the power to declare things fine and complete. At
any moment we can stop trying to change and control the
way life has happened thus far. Make that moment now.
Put down old baggage. Let go of old events in your
relationship and accept that things work out the way
they do. Resolve to start fresh together. This is a new
Step 6: Think of Your Partner Before Yourself
Usually we approach relationships wondering what we
can get out of them, how they will enhance our lives.
This attitude creates a great deal of tension in us and
opposition in others as well. In order to find happiness
in all your relationships, just turn this around. Think
of the other person first. When with them, ask yourself,
how can I serve you today? What can I do to make your
day wonderful? Not only will the person feel the change
in your approach to them, but you will feel wonderful
and fulfilled. Your sense of greed, deprivation,
self-absorption and upset will vanish as you fill
yourself with thoughts and deeds of service to others.
Step 7: Open Your Heart To Loving Others
So many say they can’t find a relationship that
works, they are lonely, without love. But the truth is,
each of us already has all the love we will ever need,
right inside of us. And what’s more we can experience
this love all day long. Each day find someone you can
give some love to – a child, neighbor, merchant,
anyone you meet along the way. There is no end to the
people who appear in your life who can benefit from some
warmth and love. A smile, a kind word, a moment of
acknowledgment. Try it out and see. Practice love and
watch what happens to all your relationships. The more
you are filled with love, the more your relationship
Step 8: Find Three Things To Be Grateful For
Appreciate all you are given by your partner each
day. Usually our focus turns to what is going wrong, to
what we do not have and to the mistakes we make. It’s
very important to take charge of our focus and turn this
around. In fact, we are all receiving endless gifts from
the moment we wake up. We must become aware of what we
are receiving, moment by moment, and be grateful for it.
And, then, it is crucial to take time to offer thanks.
If you fill your day with appreciation, with noticing
what you are being given and making the effort to
acknowledge it and offer thanks, you will soon discover
that depression and gratitude cannot live in the same
person at the same time. Give up depression and upset
and welcome the gifts you are receiving right now.