If you are unhappy, fighting difficulties in your
relationships, be aware that there is not anything
necessarily wrong with what is happening to you right
now. It does not mean your partner is the wrong one, or
that you are failing.
Our life is a flow of alternating conditions, good
and bad, day and night, times of strength and weakness,
high tide and low tide. As soon as we label a condition
as bad or dangerous we go into an emergency mode and
start our endless fight against what is happening. We
demand that things turn out differently, exactly as we
wish. This demand makes matters worse and blocks the
natural balancing that all relationships go through.
The process of Relationships Balancing allows
individuals to look at what is happening differently,
respond in a constructive way, and return to simple
truths. As we apply Relationships Balancing, rather than
struggle to analyze and undo our patterns, we work
directly with our attention. The question before us
always is - What am I focusing on at this moment? Where
is my attention, right now? Is it upon the pains and
wrongs I think the other has done me, or is it upon the
simple reality that is presenting itself? Am I aware of
that which needs doing right now? Am I willing to hear
what the other is asking of me? Am I willing to listen
to myself, as well? How much can I say yes to? What is
it that I can truly give?
Here are some basic principles of relationships.
Apply them in your relationships and see what a
difference they make.
1) Return To Your Home
This means before you react out in any manner, Return
To Yourself. Become silent, still, and get in touch with
whatever it is going on inside of you. Simply listen to
and be there with all that is going on with what’s
going on. Though this sounds simple, it is a primary
step that most of us by- pass. Usually, our focus and
attention is upon the other. When something doesn’t
go, as we desire, warning signals go off. We immediately
fear that things are ending, are being accused or have
somehow failed. Our mind starts creating strategies for
what to do next.
Relationships Balancing stops all this. We simply
Return Home – put our focus back to ourself. We just
listen within, feel our responses, remain planted
quietly in the middle of the chaos. By simply being with
all that is happening, we take the pressure away and are
less likely to react inappropriately and make matters
worse. By stepping back in this manner, we are actually
giving the other a chance. We are giving ourselves a
chance as well, not to live as a puppet being pulled by
2) Respond – Do Not React
Relationships Balancing teaches us the true meaning
of Responsibility – which is the ability to respond.
This ability must be cultivated and learned. Most
problems in relationships arise because we react, not
respond. Reaction arises out of our childish conditioned
nature. Response is out of choice, it arises when we can
become clear and patient and see the whole picture.
3) Give The Other The Benefit Of The Doubt
It is easy and natural to blame the other for what is
going on. In Relationships Balancing, we catch ourselves
immediately as this is going on. Instead we become clear
how we are shifting responsibility for the mess we are
in. We give the other the benefit of the doubt, and find
a positive and constructive way to view their part in
what is going on. As we do this for the other,
automatically we will soon also, begin to naturally give
ourselves the benefit of the doubt as well.
4) See The Best, Not The Worst In Ourselves As Well
Perception is fatal. As we perceive, so shall we be.
What we see in others, we bring out in them. The same is
true for ourselves. In Relationships Balancing we become
responsible for how we perceive a situation. Out of
thousands of possible moments, we choose those that will
support healing and love.
5) Never Give Up On A Person
Often we are so ready to get rid of a person because
they are so difficult to handle. This principle teaches
us to stay with a situation or person, right through
their difficulties. (By the way, this does not mean that
we can never leave or change relationships, but even if
we do that, we do not give up on the person, we hold
them in our minds and hearts with the thought and
possibility that they will outgrow their problems, and
become all they are.)
Reality continually renews and confronts us with new
tasks and insights in our relationships, day by day.
There are always new challenges, and opportunities. Are
we in touch with this ever-flowing reality? Are we
asking ourselves what is happening right now, or
constantly dwelling on the past, what happened two or
three weeks ago? Remembering how we were wronged and
determined to make the other pay?
6) Stay In The Present – With What’s Happening
Now. Let The Past Be The Past.
This step requires that we be willing to start new,
every single day. So many relationships and
possibilities of relationship flounder desperately
because people have never woken up to a new day. We must
be willing to let go of what happened to us with this
person before. This is another way of offering
The essence of forgiveness is realizing the person
you are with today is not the same person as the day
before. Will you let them be different? Are you willing
to let life grow? Are you willing to grow yourself, or
are you stuck in the pleasures of revenge.
7) Focus Upon The Gifts You’ve Been Given By Your
What has this person really given you? What have you
been willing to receive? What have you given to them?
How much trouble or pain have you caused? These
questions must stay present in your mind continually.
Then take action! Find something you can truly do of a
beneficial nature and do it immediately. Do it without
dwelling upon what response you will get. Do it just for
the joy of doing.
8) Take Charge Of Your Attention – It is Your Best
Rather than Dwelling On How You’ve Been Wronged –
Dwell Upon How You’ve Been Nourished. Choose To Feel
How we feel is a choice we make, based upon our
attention and what we focus on. We can focus upon our
hurts or upon our pleasures. The choice is up to you.
By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue,
and focussing upon what is before us, right now, we
directly interfere with the habitual patterns that are
the very cause of our suffering.
In Relationships Balancing, whether applied to our
personal lives and relationships, or to the workplace,
we learn to do each action with full attention, (no
matter how small or large). We do not dwell upon the
outcome. Results and consequences then take care of
themselves. When we are not absorbed by concern for
outcomes, how much anxiety can we ever have?