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“To care for things makes the whole world come to
life.”
Uchiyama Roshi
It’s delicious to feel well nourished in
relationships. There’s a hunger we have for all kinds
of relationship food: warmth, kindness, appreciation,
time spent together. However, when this is not
forthcoming some will do anything to get fed. In order
to understand the true workings of relationships, we
must understand the real process of nourishment - of
cooking and being fed. Right from the moment we are
born, we connect being fed with being loved. When we
cry, mother feeds us and we feel safe and cared for. If
the food we need is withheld for too long, we believe
she doesn’t love us, or that we are being punished.
This pattern can continue throughout an entire life.
In some cases one person consistently plays the role of
the feeder and other the role of the one being fed. Some
withhold love so their partner will do what they want of
them. Others feed their partners on demand. Sex is often
used in this fashion, providing a sense of being loved,
wanted, cared for and nourished. When it is withheld or
rationed out, the hungry partner feels deprived and
hurt.
Most are not aware of the many kinds of food the
universe abundantly provides. As in childhood, they
become fixated on one person, who they see as their sole
source of well being. The first thing to notice here is
our intense orientation towards receiving. We feel that
in order to feel full and nourished we must be fed. This
is the idea of the infant - feed me and all will be
well. Lester, a man in his sixties joined a dating
service, and due to his age, buoyant demeanor and big,
yellow Cadillac, received one introduction after the
next. After each date, he was asked to report back about
how the evening went. Finally, the service received a
glowing report. ‘What an evening,’ reported Lester.
She’s everything I ever wanted. I went to her house
for a home cooked dinner, and what did I see? A freezer
full of steaks.’ This was a match made in heaven for
Lester. He envisioned a lifetime of being fed.
We must be aware of all kinds of food, emotional,
mental and spiritual that are needed in a complete
relationship. It is necessary to stop a moment and
recognize exactly what kind of food we are consuming in
the relationship, is it healthy, is it food our system
can digest? Although fast food may taste good and
initially fill us up, it can have bad side effects. The
same is true in relationships. Although what we get from
our partner is initially hot and spicy it can cause
heartburn later on. We can eat all day, but if we do not
taste and digest what we are eating, we will never
receive the nourishment we need. Clea spent all her time
wanting to change Arnold. “There’s so much that’s
wonderful about him,” she said, “but what I’m
hungering for, I don’t get. I need more excitement.”
It was as though Arnold were an apple tree who was
giving her fabulous apples, while she was all the time
longing for pears. Rather than walk down the street to
the pear tree and take one, she railed against this fine
apple tree, which could not produce a pear, no matter
how hard it tried.
Some of us are simply addicted to being dissatisfied.
But in order to live a life of being in love, we must
learn to take what is given and offer thanks in return.
If we spend all our time wanting to change the person,
rejecting their essential qualities, not wanting or
valuing what they basically give, this is a sure fire
recipe for nausea.
In order to be well nourished in relationships we
must be able to absorb what is useful and discard the
rest. We must learn to take in the beauty and value
offered, and by-pass that which is not valuable. It is a
mistake to expect all of our needs to be met by one
person. Honor and be grateful for that which you
receive. Don’t become bitter and spend all your time
focusing on that which the person is not able to
provide.
Feeding Others I am Fed
In order to receive the full nourishment we need in
relationships, it is necessary to do more than take, we
must learn how to become the cook – how to nourish and
feed others.
In Zen practice the cook is called the tenzo. During
retreats the meals must be cooked with great mindfulness
and care, with not a drop of food wasted. The meals have
to be ready exactly the moment. The very cooking itself
becomes a training in offering, not only the food, but
one’s entire self. When one is in this state of being,
it is impossible to be hungry or discontent. Most have
no idea what it really meant to give fully – to truly
care for another person. Most of our life orientations
is what we can get for ourselves.
“When you’re cooking up there with total
concentration, you can actually feel the effort of
others sitting downstairs. You can also feel their
hunger and appreciation when the food is served at the
right moment,” Samantha said.
Being the cook means learning how to appreciate the
needs of others, and being willing to completely fill
them, on time. Rather than compulsively focus on our own
hunger, we become naturally aware of the needs of
others. As we do this, a strange thing happens, our own
hunger completely fades away. Feeding others, we are fed
ourselves. We are able to taste life (and people) as
they are given. Our relationships turn around 180
degrees. It no longer becomes a question of what the
other is or isn’t giving. It’s a question of what
can be offered to him or to her. As we place our
attention upon the needs of others and find ways of
giving to them, not only does our hunger subside, but we
begin to feel full. As this process continues, there is
a deeper lesson to learn, that a never ending source of
all kinds nourishment exists within us. We need never
feel empty or hungry again.
As we get to this place, we develop parental mind.
Parental mind is the state of mind that wants to care
for and nourish others. It is the mind of the mother
with a newborn child. A state of unconditional regard
for the world we live in. It is not a mind which keeps
accounts or continually needs to be filled up and
attended to.
Exercises:
1) Favorite Food
What is your favorite food in relationships? What is
it you hunger for daily? How do you get fed? Does
someone else feed you? Do you feed yourself? Is there
some other way you could get this particular
nourishment? Take a little while and find out.
2) Emotional Indigestion
What kind of food are you now absorbing in your
relationships that you cannot digest? Why do you
keep eating it? What do you want from it? Is there some
other food that could substitute?
3) Offerings
What are the offerings you bring to life? What are
you willing to give unconditionally? Are you receiving
joy for doing this? If not, it is not your true
offering. Spend time considering what it is that you can
truly offer that will nourish and gladden others and you
as well. When a large part of our lives consist in
making these kind of offerings, we fall in love with
life itself.
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