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Searching for The Perfect Match

 

By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna October 2006

 

We all want love, want some lasting relationships, and it can seem this is hard to find. Yet, there is never a scarcity of relationships, never a scarcity of love. What keeps us from finding the love we are so hungry for? The most common answer to this question is that we must find the perfect person. There is always something wrong with the people we meet. We have not yet found the "right" person, who can make us really happy, or can show us how to "sing". Or, if we have found him/her - that person has now left us and nobody will ever take their place again.

At this point we still believe that another person can make us happy. But, all right, let us look for a moment at what we're dreaming of. Take a moment to see clearly who this perfect person is to you. Sit down and write a description of how you would imagine your perfect partner to be. Let yourself daydream. Write down all the qualities such a person would have.

Now, write a paragraph describing how you would have to be in order to have such a partner. (Daydreams have power). Just doing this exercise you may begin to laugh. There may be wild discrepancies between how you see yourself now and how you feel your would have to be to hold such a perfect partner.

What else might you discover? You might also discover that you do not really like this perfect person after all. He/she may only be some kind of ego-ideal (Someone to build up your own self-image).

This is love found looking in the mirror, an idealized image of yourself. An attitude like this is based upon non-acceptance of whom and what we really are. When we use another person to build up our own self-image, this kind of relationship is grounded in fear. Without this person we might feel as if we were nothing, and our lives were meaningless. Love can never be built upon a foundation that is not real. If we do not feel secure within ourselves, is it really so surprising we may not really be so eager, after all, for this perfect person to appear at our door?

 

What would happen if one day the perfect person just suddenly walked into your life? What kind of responses might then occur? Here are some possibilities - You might think - What can he/she see in me? How can I hold him/her? How awful it will be when she/he rejects me, as I know must eventually happen. Then the most horrifying thought of all. What happens if we do have a relationship and I'm still not happy after all. Where do I go from here?

These questions may go on beneath the surface of our awareness, (our unconscious) and stop love happening before it starts. They need to be looked at and answered, in order to be free to begin that wonderful journey into the world of love.

 

The questions are all based upon a basic question - Who am I, really? Am I good enough? If I find that Perfect Person will that make me perfect as well? These questions are all based upon an illusion, a false notion, and a crazy belief that we are not all perfect right now, exactly as we are.

They are based upon the notion that we have to earn the love we long for, that love is not our birthright. But deeper than all of that, these questions arise from not realizing that the very first step we must take in finding the Perfect Person is making friends with, accepting and knowing who we really are.

 

In seeking our Perfect Person or relationship, there are many discoveries to be made. One is that many of us keep this perfect person, or true love away. If we search within ourselves we realize that being with someone we feel is perfect makes us even more painfully aware of our own imagined inadequacies.

Deep down we feel we do not really deserve it. Because we feel we don't deserve it, we expect or create rejection automatically. Actually for many, rejection itself is inherent in love.

It can be so painful waiting for this rejection to happen that some of us do many things to actually bring it about. We show our worst side, pick fights, test, criticize or judge the other constantly; anything to get the painful rejection over with, and Fast!

Many destroy the relationship before it sneaks up from behind and destroys them instead. Is love a game of destroy or be destroyed? Needless to say this sense of love is bound to bring fear in its trail.

 

The more aware we are of how we unnecessarily shake up our relationships, the easier it will be to Stop It when we start doing it automatically. We do not have to live our lives on automatic pilot. Instead, start the process of awareness right now. Sit down and write a paragraph or two about what you do to shake up your relationships.

(Go on, be honest. Nobody is looking, but you. Instead of always blaming the other, and feeling unworthy, take a long, hard, good look at how you make it difficult. Look at the ways in which you may choose someone you know is wrong right from the start. Many people constantly fall into relationships only with people they know will be difficult. In this manner they insure that they will either be rejected, or have to reject the other again.

Rejection can feel more comfortable and familiar than the experience of oneness and love. Take a long, hard, good look at this. Look at what it is in you that feels it must keep love away. Blame of others and also self-blame are not needed now. We cannot be open to love and relationship, we cannot find the truly perfect person until we are able to release our fear of and desire for rejection. Once this pattern is dealt with, all of life opens its many doors. As this happens it is inevitable to realize that love is free, it flows everywhere. It flows to everyone regardless of their qualities. Why are you keeping it away?

 

As we proceed in these exercises, we become ready to take hold of the first steppingstone to love. (A steppingstone is a tiny hurdle we jump over to get to our desired end). Our first hurdle has to do with the foolish ideas we have about what love is.

We must realize that love has nothing to do with any images or fantasies of how somebody else "should be", or how we "should be" either. After we pass this steppingstone it becomes easy to realize that each person is the perfect person just as they are. Perfect person for you to love is the one who is standing in front of you, right here. Look around for a moment. Who is there? Really look at this person.

 

Are you willing to love them? What will happen if they start to love you too? Now, really look around at who is in your life now.

Make a list of the people. Imagine yourself loving each one of them - one at a time. Imagine them loving you too. What does it feel like? If you can't imagine this with someone, write down why not? What about them has to change in order for you to love them? What has to change about you?

The next crucial steppingstone to jump over is the realization that anything we can't love or accept in another is a mirror of something we can't love or accept in ourselves. All it takes is one moment to decide to turn that around. You can do it. Try for a moment. See how wonderful it feels.

Here is a lovely exercise that brings all of this together easily. Close your eyes and look at yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you. Open your eyes a moment. Close them again, and look at yourself now through your own eyes. Open your eyes. Can you choose to look at yourself and others, through the eyes of someone who loves them? If you can, you will be amazed at all the love that starts flowing into your life.

 

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationships, in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships).

Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationships expert on iVillage.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living), Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others.  You can contact her, or visit her personal website.

 


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