We all want love, want some lasting relationships,
and it can seem this is hard to find. Yet, there is
never a scarcity of relationships, never a scarcity of
love. What keeps us from finding the love we are so
hungry for? The most common answer to this question is
that we must find the perfect person. There is always
something wrong with the people we meet. We have not yet
found the "right" person, who can make us
really happy, or can show us how to "sing".
Or, if we have found him/her - that person has now left
us and nobody will ever take their place again.
At this point we still believe that another person
can make us happy. But, all right, let us look for a
moment at what we're dreaming of. Take a moment to see
clearly who this perfect person is to you. Sit down and
write a description of how you would imagine your
perfect partner to be. Let yourself daydream. Write down
all the qualities such a person would have.
Now, write a paragraph describing how you would have
to be in order to have such a partner. (Daydreams have
power). Just doing this exercise you may begin to laugh.
There may be wild discrepancies between how you see
yourself now and how you feel your would have to be to
hold such a perfect partner.
What else might you discover? You might also discover
that you do not really like this perfect person after
all. He/she may only be some kind of ego-ideal (Someone
to build up your own self-image).
This is love found looking in the mirror, an
idealized image of yourself. An attitude like this is
based upon non-acceptance of whom and what we really
are. When we use another person to build up our own
self-image, this kind of relationship is grounded in
fear. Without this person we might feel as if we were
nothing, and our lives were meaningless. Love can never
be built upon a foundation that is not real. If we do
not feel secure within ourselves, is it really so
surprising we may not really be so eager, after all, for
this perfect person to appear at our door?
What would happen if one day the perfect person just
suddenly walked into your life? What kind of responses
might then occur? Here are some possibilities - You
might think - What can he/she see in me? How can I hold
him/her? How awful it will be when she/he rejects me, as
I know must eventually happen. Then the most horrifying
thought of all. What happens if we do have a
relationship and I'm still not happy after all. Where do
I go from here?
These questions may go on beneath the surface of our
awareness, (our unconscious) and stop love happening
before it starts. They need to be looked at and
answered, in order to be free to begin that wonderful
journey into the world of love.
The questions are all based upon a basic question -
Who am I, really? Am I good enough? If I find that
Perfect Person will that make me perfect as well? These
questions are all based upon an illusion, a false
notion, and a crazy belief that we are not all perfect
right now, exactly as we are.
They are based upon the notion that we have to earn
the love we long for, that love is not our birthright.
But deeper than all of that, these questions arise from
not realizing that the very first step we must take in
finding the Perfect Person is making friends with,
accepting and knowing who we really are.
In seeking our Perfect Person or relationship, there
are many discoveries to be made. One is that many of us
keep this perfect person, or true love away. If we
search within ourselves we realize that being with
someone we feel is perfect makes us even more painfully
aware of our own imagined inadequacies.
Deep down we feel we do not really deserve it.
Because we feel we don't deserve it, we expect or create
rejection automatically. Actually for many, rejection
itself is inherent in love.
It can be so painful waiting for this rejection to
happen that some of us do many things to actually bring
it about. We show our worst side, pick fights, test,
criticize or judge the other constantly; anything to get
the painful rejection over with, and Fast!
Many destroy the relationship before it sneaks up
from behind and destroys them instead. Is love a game of
destroy or be destroyed? Needless to say this sense of
love is bound to bring fear in its trail.
The more aware we are of how we unnecessarily shake
up our relationships, the easier it will be to Stop It
when we start doing it automatically. We do not have to
live our lives on automatic pilot. Instead, start the
process of awareness right now. Sit down and write a
paragraph or two about what you do to shake up your
(Go on, be honest. Nobody is looking, but you.
Instead of always blaming the other, and feeling
unworthy, take a long, hard, good look at how you make
it difficult. Look at the ways in which you may choose
someone you know is wrong right from the start. Many
people constantly fall into relationships only with
people they know will be difficult. In this manner they
insure that they will either be rejected, or have to
reject the other again.
Rejection can feel more comfortable and familiar than
the experience of oneness and love. Take a long, hard,
good look at this. Look at what it is in you that feels
it must keep love away. Blame of others and also
self-blame are not needed now. We cannot be open to love
and relationship, we cannot find the truly perfect
person until we are able to release our fear of and
desire for rejection. Once this pattern is dealt with,
all of life opens its many doors. As this happens it is
inevitable to realize that love is free, it flows
everywhere. It flows to everyone regardless of their
qualities. Why are you keeping it away?
As we proceed in these exercises, we become ready to
take hold of the first steppingstone to love. (A
steppingstone is a tiny hurdle we jump over to get to
our desired end). Our first hurdle has to do with the
foolish ideas we have about what love is.
We must realize that love has nothing to do with any
images or fantasies of how somebody else "should
be", or how we "should be" either. After
we pass this steppingstone it becomes easy to realize
that each person is the perfect person just as they are.
Perfect person for you to love is the one who is
standing in front of you, right here. Look around for a
moment. Who is there? Really look at this person.
Are you willing to love them? What will happen if
they start to love you too? Now, really look around at
who is in your life now.
Make a list of the people. Imagine yourself loving
each one of them - one at a time. Imagine them loving
you too. What does it feel like? If you can't imagine
this with someone, write down why not? What about them
has to change in order for you to love them? What has to
change about you?
The next crucial steppingstone to jump over is the
realization that anything we can't love or accept in
another is a mirror of something we can't love or accept
in ourselves. All it takes is one moment to decide to
turn that around. You can do it. Try for a moment. See
how wonderful it feels.
Here is a lovely exercise that brings all of this
together easily. Close your eyes and look at yourself
through the eyes of someone who loves you. Open your
eyes a moment. Close them again, and look at yourself
now through your own eyes. Open your eyes. Can you
choose to look at yourself and others, through the eyes
of someone who loves them? If you can, you will be
amazed at all the love that starts flowing into your