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My younger brother got married a few years ago. It
was a pretty typical church wedding, which meant that
the minister who was marrying them inevitably gave a
sermon.
And it was a good one. By this, I mean I remember the
outline of it three and a half years later. And I can’t
remember that much about any sermon I’ve heard since,
frankly.
The title of the sermon was, “The Three Ingredients
of a Successful Marriage”. And I remember my exact,
admittedly cynical thoughts upon hearing that
announcement. My first impression: Yawn. Then I thought,
“Yeah, yeah…'Love, Trust, and Commitment', right? Or
being friends with each other. Or something else I’ve
heard before.”
How wrong I was. Going through the divorce at that
time, what that minister proceeded to present was a gift
beyond price. The three “ingredients” turned out to
be anything but the trite, usual drivel we’ve all
heard before. In fact, they are all but secret to most
of us. This set the stage for my journey to what has
eventually become X & Y Communications.
Today, it is my pleasure to take those three secrets
and impart them to you - albeit with my own spin, of
course.
1) Always Think The Best Of Each Other
Basically, the concept here is that both spouses
should gravitate towards the positive options when
considering each other’s intentions, actions,
whereabouts, etc. If s/he says something that could have
two meanings, assume the positive one. If s/he says s/he
is “working late”, believe it. Yeah, I realize this
is all about “trust”, but it’s much deeper. It’s
more like having the self-esteem to be confident in one’s
choice of a spouse…enough to believe that s/he has the
best interests of both partners in mind. What an amazing
gift this is. And you know what, I would tend to believe
this is an attitude that falls under the “self-fulfilling
prophecy” department.
2) Forgive Quickly
There is absolutely, positively zero chance that a
long, successful marriage is going to be 100% free of
mistakes having been made over the long haul. Hell…over
the short haul, either, for that matter. And when they
happen, just let it go. This is disarmingly important.
See, if this isn’t done, there ends up being a “cumulative
effect of all the small things”. Don’t ask me why
that’s in quotes—you don’t want to know. Let’s
just say it leads to divorce. Let me ask you this:
Assuming you have a “significant other”, has there
ever been an argument where one or both partners brought
up something that happened weeks, months or even YEARS
ago? Yeah, well… then that’s what has to be
addressed here. There wasn’t ever any true forgiveness
if that’s going on.
Now, I’m not talking about forgiving major, real
breaches of covenant here as covered in a previous
newsletter. There’s a different concept at play here,
and I think you get my drift. If you don’t, email me
right away for some coaching!
3) Never Compare Your Spouse To Others
Hey, guess what? If you have a partner, and didn’t
“settle”, and KNEW THAT FACT from the start, then
you’ve got a GOOD ONE. After the “honeymoon” is
over, and you have gotten to know your partner really
well, it’s easy (but pathetic) to forget that and
incredibly tempting—and oh so easy—to start with
the, “Why can’t you be more like X?” stuff.
Well, resist that temptation and DON’T.
Beyond the simple fact that it betrays trust, makes
both of you feel inferior to someone else (Did he say
“both of you”?…uh, yeah I did.), and is just
flat-out “dirty pool”, it MAKES NO SENSE.
Look, here’s the deal: Anyone you are comparing
your significant other to is 1) someone you do not know
as deeply, and are therefore more easily able to “idealize”,
and 2) someone you likely haven’t known as long, and
is therefore “novel” to you.
So, the comparisons aren’t fair at all, let alone
comprehensive. If you’ve got a good partner, rejoice—and
don’t make comparisons that will throw water on, if
not outright kill your relationship. If you don’t feel
you have a good partner, change that if you are
unmarried and get to where you DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT
instead; or if you are married, get the help you need to
get the relationship to where it needs to be.
A few weeks ago I was talking to my brother on the
phone. I asked him if he remembered what the minister
preached about at his wedding. Indeed, he did. Does that
somehow correlate to the fact that he and his bride are
still blissfully married three and a half years later—with
an excellent prognosis for the future? I think so.
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