Some believe that romance should just come naturally,
and if it doesn’t, or if the closeness you once shared
starts to subside, it means that something is wrong.
Nothing is further from the truth. Keeping romance alive
requires time, attention and the willingness to begin
fresh over and over, to learn how to constantly
reconnect. There is nothing as lovely as taking time to
re-kindle the closeness.
Here are some steps that help develop the ability to
reconnect with our partners and with ourselves.
Step 1: Are You As Close As You Can Be?
After the initial excitement of being in a
relationship is over, many fall into a routine and begin
taking one another for granted. They assume they know
what their partner is feeling, that it doesn’t matter
if they come late for a date, don’t look so good, or
choose a night out with friends too often. However,
there are many tiny ways in which we sabotage
relationships. It’s important to be aware of what we
are doing to either keep the closeness going, or to
subtly push it away.
Romance is heightened by ways in which you view your
partner. Do you view him as a hero? Someone you can look
up to and respect? Or are you mostly dwelling upon his
faults? After a relationship has gone on for a while
partners often begin to view each other as ordinary, or
focus upon their negative traits. This is a sure-fire
technique for creating distance and putting out any fire
that might exist. Instead of doing that, remember, when
you first fell in love. You only saw the best in your
partner and focused on how wonderful they were. In order
to re-kindle the fires, start doing that again.
Here are two exercises to do to help. Get a personal
notebook that you can write your experiences and
feelings in. It will be helpful to look over your
responses, and to keep working on these as time goes by.
In this way you will be able to note changes in the
relationship and also change in yourself.
Exercise A – How You See Your Partner
Take some time and write down a description of how
you see your partner. Who is he to you now? How do you
feel about him? Write this down without censoring your
thoughts and feelings. Just let whatever you feel come
Then, write down how you saw him when you first met,
and how you felt about him then. There may be
differences between these two responses. Just notice.
See how your feelings of closeness are affected by the
way you perceive him.
Now, consciously choose to see the best about him.
Stop focusing upon his faults. View him in a way
that is similar to the way you viewed him in the
beginning. He will feel this, and begin responding in
kind. When a person feels admired, they feel good about
themselves and are able to come closer again.
Exercise B – Stop Pushing Him Away
There are many, tiny little things we do (consciously
and unconsciously) that push our partners away. Take a
little while to write down ways in which you push him
away. This is not to blame yourself, but to become aware
of the times when you are not inviting closeness and
romance, but putting on the brakes. Some examples of
this could be, criticizing him in public, not really
listening to what he’s asking of you.
After you have made your list, decide to change the
way you behave. Each day take one item on your list (the
way you’ve pushed him away) and stop doing it. Do the
opposite. For example, rather than criticizing him in
public, say nice things about him with friends. A few
small actions can have huge effects. Try it and see how
good both of you will feel.
Step 2: Understanding Hidden Expectations
There is nothing that can cause us to disconnect from
each other as much as expectations that have been
unfulfilled. We all enter relationships with many kinds
of expectations and goals, some we are aware of, others
not. There is nothing that causes more disappointment
than expectations and dreams which are not being met.
When we are disappointed, it is important to stop and
become aware of what we are expecting of our partner and
of the relationship. Is it possible for him to fulfill
them? Does he want the same thing from the relationship
that we do? Are we holding onto these dreams in the hope
that magically he’ll change?
More often than not, it is our expectations, not the
other person, which are making us upset. In order to
feel close and satisfied in a relationship, a crucial
step is uncovering your expectations and making sure
they can be met. When we become clear about what our
expectations are, and whether they are realistic in this
situation, we can begin to look at our partner with
Exercise C – Finding Out What You’ve Been Hoping
It may come as a huge surprise to uncover our secret
expectations, what we have been hoping for, and how they
measure up to what we’ve got. Take some time to write
down what it is you expect from your partner, and what
you expect from yourself. In this process you may
discover things you were unaware of. Don’t let that
stop you. Continue on.
Next step is to take time and look over your list
carefully. See how your expectations measure up to the
person you’re with. Also take time to see if anyone
can fulfill them? Are they simply childhood dreams you
are still carrying with you?
Exercise D - Letting Him Fulfill Your Dreams
Now, make a list of which expectations your partner
meets - or perhaps other things he offers you that you
have been unaware of.
In order to reconnect, to feel close and happy with
someone, you must feel that they are fulfilling at least
some expectations you have.
Are you willing to revise your expectations a little
- to give up a few that he cannot meet? Are you willing
to put new ones in that he is able to fulfill? Sometimes
just giving up one or two expectations can make the
entire difference in a relationship working or not.
Sometimes just deciding that what he offers is good
enough, can dissolve barriers that have been created.
Then, let him know he’s good enough. Let him know
he’s making you happy. This is the biggest aphrodisiac
for many men.