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We are all basically treasure hunters, searching for
the secret to happiness in relationships. Usually, we
believe the treasure is buried outside ourselves,
perhaps in the perfect person, or in skills, techniques
or tools we acquire. Due to our constant searching, we
often do not see what is right in front of our eyes. We
are not in touch with who our partner is right now, what
they really want from us or how to respond.
Value-Centered Relationships turns all this around.
It focuses upon simple, eternal truths that become the
pillar of our relationships. Value-Centered
Relationships by passes the illusions that grip us and
cause our relationships to become a source of
disappointment rather than delight. Like vitamins and
minerals, these basic truths have the power to nourish
our lives and make all things fulfilled. Some basic
principles follow:
Stop Struggling To Get
Rather than struggle to “get what we want” from
our partners, and then “get more of it”, we see what
we can give. The question here is, what does my partner
want and need of me? Can I give it to him/her? Why not?
Rather than wait to be given to, we open our hands and
fulfill their need.
When our thoughts are primarily absorbed with what we
are needing, and what others are thinking of us, we live
in a prison without bars. Any real or imagined insult
can become the cause of great pain, causing us to
withdraw. Any perceived failure invites underlying
feelings of worthlessness to emerge, producing
additional depression, hostility and stress.
Let Go of Resentment
Rather than dwell upon all the wrongs that have taken
place, hold grudges and withhold, we learn to let go.
The question before us always is: What am I focusing on
this moment? Where is my attention, right now? Is it
upon what I lack, or the pains and wrongs others have
done me, or is my attention upon what I have received?
Can I choose to let go of anger and disappointment and
work towards understanding?
Let The Past Be The Past
So many of us live in the past, remembering how
things used to be, or repeating old scenarios. This
keeps us out of touch with the ever expanding, amazing
present, where everything is fresh and possible. The
question to ask here is, where am I at this moment? What
is happening right now? How I am called to respond?
Reality continually renews and confronts us with new
tasks, relationships, challenges, and opportunities, day
after day. Are we in touch with this ever-flowing
reality?
By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue,
and focusing upon what is before us, right now, we
directly interfere with the habitual patterns that are
the very cause of our disappointments and suffering.
Put Your Focus Upon Daily Actions
In Value-Centered Relationships, we begin by putting
our focus upon simple daily actions and do them
whole-heartedly. We ask ourselves, what is needed in the
relationship? What can I do to make it better? When I
need something I am not receiving from my partner, can I
give it to myself?
Don’t Give Passing Emotions Center Stage
Passing emotions do not take center stage. When our
actions are guided by temporary reactions, our
relationships fluctuate all over the place. When we are
driven by self-centered concerns, we never find the
fulfillment we crave. When we understand the larger
purpose of our relationship, things become simple and
clear.
As we learn to value each action (no matter how small
or large) and to do it whole-heartedly with complete
attention, things simplify. We do not dwell upon the
outcome. Our joy and satisfaction comes from doing each
action with a whole heart and mind. Results and
consequences take care of themselves. When we are not
absorbed by concern for outcomes, how much anxiety can
we ever have?
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