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12 Deadly Mistakes That Often Ruin A Relationship



By Vicky Zhou November 2007


These are some of the most common mistakes that occur in a relationship. Often they are not just unpleasant, but also deadly for a relationship. Check 'em out!

1. Forget the Ex and then go for the next!

This is the first one for a reason. You should not try to start a new relationship, before you forget your ex, before you move on. There are so many things that can go wrong that way. I've seen some people, trying to hurt/prove worthy in front of their ex partner. Well, by doing that you are going to hurt someone else too who doesn't deserve it. That is selfish and extremely egocentric.

Also getting in to a new relationship, won't always help you forget the previous one. Naturally you will start to compare both and you may end up obsessed with your ex. And that's not good.


2. Saying "I love you" too soon.

You've just met someone new, someone special and you have feelings for him/her. You also feel it's too soon, but you decide to express those feelings directly by telling. On the forth date you kiss your love goodbye and say "I love you. You are what I've always wanted…."

This is a good way to scare somebody. Love, means relationship and a good relationship means commitment. It's for your both best interest to get to know each other really good before you step in to this. After some time, if you are still together and you still attracted, there is still passion, then you can move on.


3. Jealousy!

Now that's a bad ass feeling isn't it?! I will be honest here – I've never felt jealous in my life for now and I believe this saved me lots of trouble. Anyway I've seen some pretty bad thing happening because of it.

More dominant people start getting manipulative because of jealousy, while people with low self-esteem would start feeling and acting insecure, blame it on self, thinking they are not good enough, etc.

Jealousy is eating your relationship from the inside. I've heard that good way of overcoming it is to be open, direct and to speak about it with your loved one.


4. Cheating – isn't that deadly for a relationship?!

I don't care how it happened. There is no excuse for cheating on your partner. Really! If you want to be with someone else, first set up things with your current lover.

There is no real need for explanation here.


5. You are always in your future or your past.

If you are always thinking about what happened, or what's about to/should happen, your present life is most likely to start moving on autopilot. On your way to work, try to think about your past, or future and notice how you don't think about what's going on around you, you'll just move mechanically, by habit.

Avoid this happening in your relationship. Enjoy the moment and always try to fit in with something fun and exciting. Some adventure won't hurt you both. Lots of couples break up, because of the lack of innovation.


6. On Friends

Here are a couple of problems that occur often with friends.


You start talking bad about your partner's friends.

Come on! Really! Do you think, that by doing this you can help your loved one in any way, that you will make him/her feel better. No! At best you'll get one of those "what-the-f*ck-are-you-talking-about" looks, or you may eventually initiate a break up. Love is important, but friends are too.


You forgot your own friends.

Friends are keeping you in touch with reality. Don't focus only on love and career, because that way your life is going to become repetitive. Find some time for friends only. You need them, they need you.

You can also spice it up a little, by telling your loved one, that you are now going back with friends, but you are going to get back at him/her later. Build up some anticipation by telling him a bit of what's going to happen tonight … but don't forget to do it!


7. Trying to change your partner.

You know, that being accepted and appreciated by who we are is by far one of the most pleasing factors in any relationship. Trying to change your partner is annoying, manipulative and will hurt you both.

Your partner may become more reserved towards you. And I believe you don't want your love to be a puppet in your hands. People enjoy and value their freedom. We tend to break any restrains we have, or at least feel tempted to, don't we?!


8. Manipulation

Manipulations have many forms, yet none is accepted in good relationships. Look a real man may be a bit dominant, but not domineering. You see, there is difference; there is a line that should not be crossed. And both man and woman should never try to manipulate her/his partner by emotions (anger, blame, guilt) or accept such behavior.

Overall we tend to move away from people that are manipulative. You may get what you want by manipulation, but on the short-term. No long-term benefits may come out of this. Generally!


9. Lack of proper communication.

Now this occurs often. It may be the result of different interests and values; one person is logical, while the other one is emotional; if one or both lacks communication skills; one is more direct and outgoing, while the other one is more closed and indirect; et cetera.

Have you ever seen couples that are together, but rarely talking to each-other?! They just sit next to each other, may be hugging, occasionally kissing and showing intimacy. Now doesn't it seem like there is something generally wrong there?! And those relationships often end up, 'cause "there is something missing".

Talk to each other, share ideas, desires, even fears. You get closer to each other by communicating, you create bonds this way. Talk about each others fantasies; get to know your partner better, find out what you can do together. (and then do it, don't just talk about it. Act!)


10. Blaming your partner about everything.

Have you ever been with someone who puts all the blame on you? For everything that happens. They never take responsibility for their own actions and generally whine about everything. How do you feel about them?! Probably – annoyed.

Putting all that pressure on your partner will make him/her run away. Be responsible!


11. Idealizing your lover.

Having an ideal about something is not bad. But idealizing somebody is a mistake. There is difference between both.

The more idealizing your partner, your relationship, the more you will start to feel disappointed, as you shift reality trough your mind. You may "feel" things are not the way they should be, thus putting blame on yourself or your partner.

A sign of idealizing is when you get that idyllic picture of your relationship in your head, that's going to solve your life and as soon as you get such feeling, take something and hit yourself in the head and never stop improving it. There is always something you can do better.


12. When you don't feel "it" anymore.

This is a common one. At some point one of you may stop feeling like they did in the beginning. The attraction may disappear over time. If this occurs and you don't feel the same way about your partner, don't wait to tell him/her.

Time can only make this worse. Even if you try to not hurt his/her feelings, by postponing this conversation, he/she may become more attracted and affectionate by you. So don't wait and set things clear before it's too late.


These are by far not all the things that may go wrong. Every relationship is specific and some of these may not be valid for all.

Vicky Zhou is an author, part-time volunteer, and dating expert/blogger. She enjoys giving dating advice, and is planning on releasing a book on the top dating websites/resources in Q4 of 2008.


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